“Have you ever seen a couple more captivated by each other?” I sighed to Amira as we looked at our mistress and her lord. As we sat by the entrance of the garden, we could see the way Promila looked to Indrajit with such admiration and respect and he returned his wife’s love with tenderness and care. In all my years as Promila’s maiden, I have only seen the love between the king and queen grow, and the way the king and queen led their kingdom was a reflection of their love for each other. Although Indrajit was Ravana's mighty warrior son and Promila was the daughter of a Maharaja, a great king, they served their kingdom with grace, humility, and a great love for their people.
“They seem to be in another land all of their own. A land where nothing could ever go wrong,” Amira replied.
No sooner had Amira uttered the words that a chill passed over the garden. An old woman passed the girls and walked towards the royal couple. I was about to arise and ask who she was, but Indrajit saw her first. He stood to his feet and started walking toward the woman where he greeted her as an old friend. Amira and I walked over to stand behind our mistress. By the time we had returned to Promila's side, Indrajit had finished speaking to the stranger and he hurried over to his wife.
“My brothers have been killed by Rama,” Indrajit lamented.
“Oh, how awful! What do we need to do?” Promila replied.
“I must join my father’s fight and avenge my brothers," Indrajit said with anger in his voice. I saw the queen's expression change from sorrow to panic. Indrajit must have seen this too for he replied, “Do not worry, love. I will go slay Rama and return to you victorious. I will return within two days. Will you wait for me?” Promilia nodded in response.
“He said he would return soon. Where could he be? ” she asked when she saw me. I had no answer for her. “I cannot wait anymore. I must go to him.”
As word spread, many tried to persuade her not to leave, but in my years of being with the queen, I knew there was no convincing her once her mind was made up. I quietly returned to my chambers and prepared to ride out in the morning. Amira found me and said she was too scared of battlegrounds to accompany the queen. I had my fears as well, but I felt that I could not desert Promila. Although I was just her maiden, I had come to consider her a close friend over the years, and it did not feel right abandoning her.
The next morning, the queen had found fifty men to accompany her, and we all rode out to Lanka. I had never been out of the kingdom before, so I hesitated when we reached the border. I looked up and saw Promila fearlessly leading this small army to the unknown and courage filled my heart. The newfound courage quickly escaped when we reached the border of Rama’s camp. I didn’t think we would have to cross the enemy camp to get to Indrajit. Promila calmly scanned the camp and decided to send out a messenger explaining who she was and why she was there. I was very pessimistic about it all, but when the messenger returned, the news was that Rama would allow passage.
As we rode through the camp, every soldier’s eyes were on my queen. Some were confused why she led but all of them had a hint to reverence. I looked up at my queen and had known her to be kind and thoughtful. She was always putting others before herself, no matter their social standing. However, I did not know how brave she could be until she decided to ride out on this journey. She was beautiful on the outside, but the beauty that radiated from within was even more gorgeous. In that moment I thanked the gods for allowing me the opportunity to serve a great leader.
We finally arrived at Indrajit's camp and my queen's eyes frantically searched for her husband. Indrajit emerged and though Promila remained expressionless, I noticed the joy in her eyes. Indrajit rushed over to her and embraced her in his arms. I saw him whisper to Promila and she buried her head into his chest. Even in the midst of chaos, they were immersed in each other.
The next day, I went to Promila’s tent to find her alone. She was apprehensive as Indrajit had left hours ago for his morning prayers, but he had still not returned. I decided to wait with her and attempt to calm her worries. Time passed on but there was no news of the powerful king. Finally, Ravana approached the tent.
The next day, I went to Promila’s tent to find her alone. She was apprehensive as Indrajit had left hours ago for his morning prayers, but he had still not returned. I decided to wait with her and attempt to calm her worries. Time passed on but there was no news of the powerful king. Finally, Ravana approached the tent.
Ravana explained that as Indrajit was praying, Rama's brother invaded in on the holy moment to strike the mighty king down. Promila fell to the ground as soon as she heard of the death of her love. She lay on the ground holding her hands to her chest as she could not fathom what had happened. I ran to her “Is there anything I can do,” I asked.
“I wish to be with my husband,” she said in a tone filled with sorrow.
“Of course you can go to him,” Ravana replied, but I knew what the queen meant. She wanted more than to see the love of her life. I helped my queen put on the finest clothes and jewels she had brought with her. She looked at me and embraced me saying, “Thank you for the years of friendship. I will never forget you.” Stricken with sorrow, I had no reply for her. She smiled and we walked out of the tent together.
We went to a field outside Lanka as preparations for the suttee started. Some of the men arranged dry grass and twigs around Indrajit's body as others prepared torches. I stayed in the back as Promila walked up to her husband’s body. I saw tears streaming down her face as she looked upon him. She quietly sat next to his body. She reached out to hold his hand, bowed her head, and the flames engulfed her. Tears started falling down my face out of the sorrow of losing my queen, but there was joy in my heart knowing that my mistress was with her lord once again.
Author's Note: I stayed as close to the story as I could, and really the only thing I changed was how long Indrajit told Promila he would be gone (one evening vs. two days). Promila was basically a powerful woman who didn't just wait around for her husband. When she wanted to see him, she decided to go to him. I love her character not only because she is so confident and independent, but also that she did it all in a time period where it wasn't the norm. As soon as I read the story of Promila, I knew how I wanted to tell my story. I wanted to get a first-person perspective on this journey. At first, I wanted to do it from Promila's point of view. but then as I was glancing through the story again, I noticed that the story specifically mentions how the queen's maidens accompanied her on the journey. It just seemed interesting to me that these ladies would hike up their pretty dresses and head out to a battlefield with their queen. What a better way to tell this story than from one of her maidens who faithfully followed her queen! I never wanted to take the spotlight away from the main characters, so I purposefully never gave the maiden a name. I did this to show that Promila was the real star of this story.
Bibliography: Nine Ideal Indian Women by Sunity Devee
I really like the way that you wrote this story! I like that you gave someone other than Rama the spotlight, and at that Promila rather than her husband. I think that the way that it is written as a love story, with a very sad ending, is very powerful...it almost reminds me of 'The Notebook'. I also like how you made it to where Promila's maiden wasn't just a worker for her, but one of her dear friends. This was a very good story and I really enjoyed reading it!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kimber in that it is a very neat idea that you gave someone other than Rama the spotlight. I love reading stories and then reading stories based off of the originals but from someone else's perspective. It was a very nice and smooth read, which I appreciate because I have a problem reading through stories sometimes. Very good job! I can't wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love the rendition of this story. I did not read the original, but I like that you told it from the perspective of someone who was relatively insignificant. The aides, be they maidens or servants or whatever, are usually glossed over because they are not the royalty, but they follow their lords and ladies wherever they go. I also love that you chose not to name her so that the story was all about Promila, just told from the maiden’s perspective.
ReplyDeleteI was honestly hard-pressed to find anything wrong with your story. The flow is great and there weren’t any glaring errors. There are a couple places where a different word might be better suited to the sentence, such as “No longer had the words…” would probably sound better with “No sooner…”, but overall it’s really good!
Fantastic job, and I look forward to reading more of your stories this semester!
I really enjoyed hearing this story from the perspective of a more minor character. Rather than being the perspective of a sage or a scribe writing after the fact, we get the view of someone intimately involved in the events of the epic.
ReplyDeleteI think it would interesting if you provided more information about how the queen's maidens interact with each other and what they all think of their queen. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that at least one of them wasn't a big fan of the king and queen. It would be a nice contrast to someone (the narrator) who considers them in a positive light.
I would expand on how exactly the king and queen have interacted in the past. It would provide a richer picture of this royal court and perhaps give them an even more sympathetic picture.
What an absorbing story! From the way you tell us about Promila and Indrajit's love through the eyes of her handmaidens to the reflection and sorrow of the narrator as Promila goes to be with her husband in the afterlife, this story really wrapped up my attention. You've chosen an excellent subject that showed me the other side of Indrajit's story; since he is Ravana's son, I had never expected to find him or his queen so sympathetic.
ReplyDeletePerhaps the only disadvantage of the reflective style of narration is that the external plot details can get lost more easily. This only really happened at one point, for me: I was a bit lost when Promila went from riding through Rama's camp to seeing Indrajit. For a moment, I thought he must have been a prisoner in Rama's camp, but when Ravana appeared I realized that we must have made it to the other camp. I think if you specified that they "arrived at *Ravana's/Indrajit's* camp", that might make the transition easier to catch!
Other than that, the only thing I wanted to point out was a possible typo in the first sentence of your third paragraph: "No longer had the words uttered out of Amira's lips..." Would it make more sense to say, "No *sooner* had the words *slipped* out of Amira's lips..."?
Great story! Thank you so much.
Hi, Shifa! Ok, I'm just going to echo the choir here, and say that I too was hardpressed to find much that needs editing in your story! It flows really nicely, it's a very interesting perspective, and I undrestood what was happening in it quite quickly. Well done! The pictures that you chose also really added to the affect of the story. I personally love the illustration from "Nine Ideal Women" also (I found the through the link you provided), but I'm not sure if that's available to use in the public domain or not? I think that pictures really emphasizes what you were trying to portray here: A woman who waits around for no man, and goes out in search of him herself!
ReplyDeleteThe most interesting part for me was that you wrote it from the perspective of her handmaiden. Would it interest you to add even one or two more sentences filling in what the typical day of her handmaiden involves? Perhaps how many hours she has spent in the company of her queen, which is why she will miss her so much once she leaves this world?
Only two comments on grammar:
In the Guideline Note: "See the journey a devoted wife and maiden takeS to show the love of friendship and a relationship."
I think you might want to add an S to 'take' in your intro section. :)
Paragraph 11, you also might want to add an S: She was always putting otherS before herself..." (add an S at the end of the word other)
This was such an enjoyable read, thank you!
I really enjoyed reading your story! I enjoyed reading the narration style written from the handmaiden and did not have any trouble following the story. I really liked the images that you used during your story. I am always a fan of adding images and looking at them in the story because it helps portray a scene for the readers.
ReplyDeleteI could not find too many errors with your story besides a few grammar errors already mentioned above and some transitions. Transitions from scene to scene or paragraph to paragraph will help with the flow and help the reader follow along with the plot easier. I would like to read and hear more about the King and Queen. They are always influential in every story so I think more details about them would be interesting.
Overall this was a very enjoyable read and I look forward to reading more!
Wow. This story was great. I haven't read the original story, so I can't compare the two. The way you told it though was great. I could definitely see this being an actual story in a modern version of the Ramayana. I can't think of anything to critique to be honest with you. The story had me captive the whole time, and your use of pictures matched up perfectly. I didn't notice the grammar issues on my read through. I see some of the comments mentioned them though. Since I can't critique anything, I'll just add a tech-tip here. Google "Grammarly." It's a free app that you can install in chrome, and Microsoft word. It's a significantly better spell-checker than the built in stuff. Thanks for the fun read!
ReplyDeleteHi Shifa! I have read your portfolio and it is awesome! I am commenting on this one just because it's your first and you said it was your favorite. I really like that you have taken the stories that we've read and have added intricate details on how the story could have gone. This is a great idea. I, too, like to focus on characters that are not as widely talked about in our course. There is something about the mystery of it that I adore. You have a great use of dialogue, but more dialogue always makes a story better in my opinion! I like to know the things running through a characters head but it is always interesting to know what they were saying in the situation, too. I never read the source story for this Maiden story, but now I think I will take the time to do so after reading your portfolio version. I love the women of the epics! They are so powerful in their own way.
ReplyDeleteSuch a cool story! I love it when people highlight the lesser known parts of the epics because there's so much in each one that it's easy to miss. I love how headstrong and determined Promila is! She went to find Indrajit rather than just waiting forever. I'm so sad that he died, but at least she was able to be with him in the end.
ReplyDeleteForgot to mention that it's pretty cool to even though they're the "bad guys" you didn't put anything condemning them in it and in fact, they seem like really good people!
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